Deep and Dirty - The forgotten faces
Its not rare that I tend to think tangential to the problem at hand. Its not rare that my focus often strays. Its not rare that these arbit thoughts often land me in tricky situations which makes me think "what I am".
Beggining last semester, I volunteered to work at the transgenic mouse facility ( or simply 'the mouse room') in my department on weekends for a couple of hours. 'Volunteer' would not be the right word to use since I get paid some extra cash for making sure that the mice live a clean and happy life over the weekends. I hate to say but I hate doing this thankless job. Then why do I hang on to it? I do have a handsome scholarship good enough to help me live a life appropriately luxurious for a graduate student. Although I tell the world that its for the extra bucks that I do it, I know thats not all. Its just not money, sometimes I feel.
Neither is it my love for the poor animals who are being sacrificed so that science and scientists can boast their accomplishments. Even they do a thankless job in a way, aint' they? Like me, do they hate it too? What am I gaining thinking about it? Isnt this world all about who gains and who loses?
The two hours I spend feeding starved captive mice gives me some time for myself. Except for the horrible odour of rodents, the rooms pretty much offers nothing which stimulates thoughts. Peace, maybe lonliness. Or is it the trauma of doing something that I dont like which makes me think about my life? Whatever it gives me space to evaluate my actions.
How often have I thought about people who crossed my life at somepoint in time long lost, at some point in space I fail to remember and did something out of their way to help me. They never expected anything I'd presume. What made them so altruistic? Were they destined to help me ? Was it fate that I never thought of them untill I got holed up in a dirty climate controlled room filled with rodents , sick and stinking, all by myself against my likes but not will ? If everything in the life was about gain and loss, who lost if I gained? Did I really gain? What did I do to them? Forget.
Its true that many people I hardly knew helped me become what I am today. I forgot their existence as new faces came in. They too did a thankless job. Volunteer is the word. Today as I stood changing the wet cages many of those faces came up, I dont know why. Some were of 5 year old children with whom I went to school long ago. All this reminds me of what Brad Pitt says in Fight Club - “ your life is worth more than the last column in your pass book".
Its definetly not about gains and loses. I realized.
