11 Things I hate at work

1. Getting up early. And early to me is what i decide it is. Today was early and it was 10 AM.

2. Absence of summer holidays. Afterall 50 days of zero-productivity is like 15 failed experiments. Who doesnt have enough of them.

3. Aboslute freedom. You read that correct. Its fun to break rules when there is someone who cares you are breaking them. When noone cares when you come in, whats the fun going late?

4. Low salary. Enough has been said.At this point, I dont care much.

5. Need to produce results. They say publish or perish. The later is looking more attractive (read as 'realistic') with every gone day.

6. Need to repeat results. If everyone knows the difficulty in getting something to work once, why the hell do they always insist on seeing it work more than twice "atleast"? We should learn to trust miracles more !

7. Too many humans around. I am not your normal type, I agree. I prefer being alone when working and even otherwise. I cant work (especially) when humans are around. Explains why I hardly work.

8. Food at commons. Eat it. I fear I'd add taste to it by describing how bad it is.

9. Setting up PCRs. They are just monotonous and boring. And they'll work no matter what you throw in. The numbers that we pretend are so important are nothing but a lie most times.

10. Measuring protein concentration. Again, there should be better ways to do this. Bradford assays are uncool but quite accurate. But there is no thrill doing it. Sadly I have no choice till they find a more fun way to do it.

11. Sequencing. Dead boring, uncool, time consuming, accurate and totally un-PhD like. What happened to imagination? Just imagine the sequence is correct and proceed.

11 Things I like at work

1. Lab coats. Although I never wear them, I feel they are cool.

2. Cold rooms. As a child have you ever dreamt of walking into a refrigerator someday? I have on most days. As a 7 year old that was probably the coolest thing to me. Now I get to live my dream everyday.

3. Glass windows. We have huge glass windows with pretty decent view of the student life here. And I like to go blank and stare at things. I see so many random people walk around everyday sitting at my desk. Some are funny some are not.

4. Cigarette coffee. My friend put this idea into me and it was so perfect. The coffee they serve at my office tastes like cigarette ( If you could imagine the taste based on the smell). To me, who hasn't smoked, this was probably the closest I could get. 50 cents a day and I walk head held high among smokers. After all I am one among them.

5. Lab meetings. From what I hear from people I may be one in a million. Who cares? I like to listen to other (read as 'selected few') people talk about their work. I like thinking about their projects. Talking science is more fun (and easy) than doing it.

6. Western blots. This is a perfect experiment. A days work, with adequte incubation time in between to walk around, talk, and maybe go have a good lunch.

7. Mass spectrometry. Atleast sounds cool. I'll take the pain for a cool sounding name.

8. Tissue culture. Feels like real work. The pink media used to grow cells looks tempting. One day I shall taste it.

9. Kinase assays. As a child when someone says scientist thats what you think of- 'radioactivity'. I feel like my childhood superheroes whenever I do this. Unfortunately, its actually not that cool.

10. Mini Prep. Even an undergrad can do it correct. In other words, I can get it done by my undergrad.

11. 5'o clock. Thats when most people leave work. On days that I decide to work, thats when I start getting something done.

Can I uNdO it?

Make it bold. Perhaps not. Italicize? No. Change it to arial. Maybe not. Just undo it. Its fine as it was. Its so easy to go back these days.

True that this is the age of computers. So addicted we are to it that often we find ourselves perhaps a bit too dependent on them. I am sure each of us have atleast one funny computer story that we chuckle about. I too have a bunch of them. This is surely not the  best but the most recent.

Its happened before. Then... I chose to ignore it. I should have done the same perhaps.  But looking back through the glasses of weird and sick humor, I found it funny and felt its worth telling the snakes, worms and classmates. 

Getting ready to take off on a space trip all by myself or wrestling a croc with one hand tied would have been the ideal situation. Bungee jumping, sky diving, roller coasters, merry-go round... virtually anything would have been acceptable. Anything but adding some papers to a file. I begged for drama. But there was none. Fate had me filing papers.

Since the file was already nearing its limit, a big chunk of papers fell out as I unlocked it. Although upset and angry at myself for not being careful, I managed to keep calm.  Proud of that achievement I thought "Nevermind. Its easy" and said "Undo". Nothing happened !

I said Undo again. A bit louder this time. Nothing changed. I wasnt used to this. The Undo always works. Angry by now, I said it a third time (really loud). The papers still din't move an inch. Staring at the papers, I repeated the trick, i dont know how many times. I could not just not undo it. 

I was a failure.I felt like a loser. I looked around, dejected at my inability to get something this trivial to work I cursed. How could I get a PhD if I cant get to undo this?  I'd be lying if I said it got me sweating but I was close to it. I went blank when a common trick failed to work. Helpless, if that makes any sense.

  " Are you okay Achuth?" - came a puzzled chinese voice.

It was a  friend who shares the work space with me. He had just witnessed some of the craziest moves a normally sane human would do - stare at a bunch of papers lying on the floor and scream 'undo' -  expecting them to go back where they where. I knew he cared but I could not explain what happened. Sure he would laugh at me. Acting crazy is better than being a genuine joke.

 " Magic " I told him as I walked away.

Sometimes its best to leave things as they are. The more you explain the more you screw it. Sitting in front of a computer the whole day trying to make a poster, I realized I hit the undo button probably a zillion times more than I should, and that got me thinking that it solves everything. 

UNDO - its easy, effortless and efficient. But I see the perfect setup for disaster right there in that single click. Atleast for me.

P.S. Philosophically undo is a difficult task. Sometimes impossible. Just like I found it that day.

SIX DOLLARS A BURRITO !

My love for history makes me feel that its my responsibility to put to words the end of an era. An era when a company called 'Sodexho' muscled its way into the pockets of underpaid hungry graduate students. 

Wandering in the commons hungry I expected and hoped that the sight of food would cause the gastric juices to ooze and fill my stomach. I was to be disappointed. After walking around for sometime, I chose to stay hungry. Hunger got the complaining mood to kick in and I began to think whether the promised change ever happened?  

Food means a lot to all of us. If its free-food Grad students love it more. Selling a burrito for 6 bucks in a university  is not something that you would imagine a smart vendor would do. Forget making profit on that. Unfortunately 'The Commons' does exactly that at my school and still ends up making profit. The secret being 'monopoly'. Long ago the 'policy makers' for a number of unknown illogical reasons got together on a wrong day at a wrong time to make this wrong decision that let 'Sodexo' take away the money that the grad students are so fond of. Ironically, we talk about this over a cup of coffee ("bought from commons") everytime we check our balance online.

Whatever said, I have been dependent on the food that commons offers for the last three and half years. To me carrying food to school dint sound cool. It reminded me of those days in high school where you would be excited to see what appears when your friend opens his 'tiffin-box'. The days when you thought of cool ways to sell your food for theirs as we sat in circles. The days when you were sure the dosas mom packed would be soggy when you see them next. How I wished then to change my fate. Fate changed but I still move around unsatisfied.

Is it burrito that hurts or the fact that I have to shell 6 bucks everytime I need to take a bite? To be honest I dont care about both. I find the fact that I am forced to make this stupid deal hard to digest. Yeah thats true - harder than the food they serve. When I buy food from the commons I think of my brother, who once sold me 25 stamps for 100 bucks (when I was 6) . It still hurts when I think that he was smarter than me on that day (and most other days in my life !). We, (the underpaid graduate students) definitely deserve a better deal. 

Whatever, finally after all these years the Sodexo had to go. I do not know what happened but my guess is that some student body raised the issue and there was hope again. They said good people are gonna come instead, with good food. Change is what we expected. Change we did see. The food stalls had new paints and new names. They came with food that cost the same but we felt they digest better. Everyone said so. I said so too - more out of wish than truth. Is the hope here to stay or is it just the feeling you get during the first few weeks after a new government takes over? -hunger made me ponder.

Taste aside, one thing for sure has not changed although the Sodexho and soggy dosa's are history now. A burrito still costs 6 dollars !

The SE7EN who stood out

One fine day Joey wakes up and decides this day is not meant for him. Joey who still considers questioning the findings of Copernicus, believes that in their natural state everything revolves around him. If a day doesn't suit him, it has no right to exist. Today dint suit him. Today shall suit none.

Bill is generally okay with anything. If someone thinks he's a fool, Bill shall prove him wrong. At any cost Bill shall show him that he can be a smartass if required. No matter how stupid a thing he has to do, he shall, to save his hurt ego. "What is a man without an ego?" he asks.

Unlike Bill, Dana was perhaps a born smartass. Penny saved is more than one earned. Thats Dana's take on life. With her pride priced a dime, she is perhaps the only one who can make Joey agree with Copernicus. How if everyone knew to flaunt a smile as shameless as hers.

Jane is full of words. More of the less meaningful ones. Nice to some, rude to the rest. Thats the Jane way.

Nice guys are extinct. Almost would be better. Probably its the fear of extinction that made Ron the way he is. Slightly self-centered. He survives with slight difficulty. He has learnt to absorb some of them. Others he ignores, i guess.

You'll either like him or you'll hate him. You just cant ignore him. Thats Mark. Right in everything - if you think it his way. If he gets to decide, he will be alone in heaven. All you sinners....

Matt is a loser. You tell him you'll yell - he'll give it away. Everyone tells him he is a nice fella. He probably does not realize that everyone appreciates a good loser as long as its someone else. Matt the loser.

Now who am I?

The Woman in Rainbow Panties

Some never change. Never. I hate it but its true that some of my friends are still the annoying self that they used to be. First thing that most of them ask me when i talk to them offlate is not how I do, not why i called up...all they seem to care is " Whens the no-pants day?" I sometime regret the fact that I told them the story. 

To them thats the only thing they'd  remember about my grad school. Some still doubt its authenticity though. I'd call them losers. Not their fault I say, considering my long standing history to consistently make up stories with exaggerated lies. 'No pants day' is different in that its true and leaves no scope for exaggeration. To someone who missed watching baywatch in school (coz parents thought its unwise to take cable television when son is doing 12th) the 'no pants day' was already too much to take. But if you were the lucky ones who got to enjoy them this might seem stupid and foolish like all other posts.

Spring brings change. Tired of walking in when others in the lab prepare to leave I decided things need to change. With the help of the 3 alarms that got my disturbed roomie screaming I wake up at 6AM, the fourth time probably in 23 summers.  None of the earlier ones left any memorable memories. None the less they were special. 

This time I seem to have instant success though. As I entered the lab one of my lab mate almost chokes to death seeing me at work this early. They knew things were not for good. I get something started in lab and decide to get a cup of coffee, as I imagine people who go to work early do. At the Commons getting coffee, I decide to go over the days news before they become stale. So I grab a chair to settle down with paper and coffee. Getting up so early I was already feeling dizzy but the excitement of achieving something so impossible did make me feel proud.

  Something was bound to happen I suppose. I, the early riser, 'proudly' lowered the paper to grab my coffee and I see something that almost had me faint. A girl walked past bottomless...i mean wearing just the bare minimum.  Not a bad dream, I thought. Probably getting up too early did not help. I sipped the coffee and there she was again -with rainbow colored panties. It wasnt a dream.  I blamed it on yesterday's Smirnoff, then put it down to hormones and settled on caffeine.  Its the coffee. This cant be it. I look around and there they were half a dozen guys who had the same coffee. They were all seeing it. Another sip and she was gone ! 

  It was weird. Nothing made sense. Shocked but delighted  I return to the lab. Not sure if it was true I chose to keep it to myself. Its a tough story to sell anyway especially when one is uncertain himself.

As I was recovering from this naked reality, one of my friends who visits my lab quite religiously to say 'hi'  makes her routine appearance. Being someone who always talks to me in tamil I was shocked when started off in deep victorian accent.  

"Did you know, there are girls walking around in panties and  you are sitting here spinning down bacteria. Its no pants day ! You should go out and check them. You'll like it".

    And  for once I have everyone in my lab noticing me - and I become famous as  "the one who likes to go around checking out girls in panties".  Yo ass is grassed - Mr. Proud Early Riser !  Had I known she was going to drop the bomb that would wipe away any trace of respect I had managed to build up , I would have let those alarms ring in vain. It was already beyond damage control so I dusted myself off and limped away as fast as I could with as much dignity I could save under these circumstances. 

Proctoring gave me a reason to stay away from lab till the embarrassment wore down. I sped to the lecture hall where the undergrads were taking their exam on animal physiology lab. Being a teaching assistant I was asked him help conduct the exam. Part of my job was to seat the kids so that the smart-ones dont copy.  Standing at the entrance directing each one where to sit as they enter, I turn back to help the next person and there she was again - ' the woman in rainbow panties ' .  She is every where I go - from commons to the exam hall ! God damn !!! Its not the coffee. Its No-pants day for real !!! I breathed so hard in disbelief that I almost burst a blood vessel. If I were to believe my friend there are more of these celebrities walking around wearing rainbow panties. Obviously a huge amount of planning must be going into this event. To walk around like that for 6 hours, uncaught by the campus cops... mere luck wont suffice. Who knows, maybe the cops don't mind it or maybe this is a part of a noble tradition which I am not aware of.

Whatever, I learnt on that day that getting up early is definitely rewarding. You see what dreams deny you.  To some of my friends the woman in the rainbow panties is the sole reminder that I did go to grad school.  To them who wont change, I will continue to live under its shadow, as I look forward to the next no pants day. This time I wont be shocked though.

Can't stand sitting down !

Okay. I meet this person (whom I am supposed to know) for the first time since I believe I was born. Ms.X greets me with the wi(l)dest of smiles and a quote which haunts me still "Oh..look at my baby !". Baby??? whose baby?

" You've changed a lot since the last time we met. You were so cute then".
Cute?? Lady...I wasn't cute any day. I wish I could say. The forced manners in me held me back. However, I couldn't resist asking politely, " I know..its been quite long..when did you last see me?"
"Oh..you were a 2 year old then...probably still in your diapers!" .
"Oh..then I am glad I don't look the same" ..at this point I could not hold it back..much to the embarrassment of people around me who knew me better . Finding herself at a point of no return Ms.X shot for the escape strategy. "Stupid fellow..when will you grow up?"

When will I grow up?

I have been asked this question quite a few times now. Mostly by people who wanted to brush me down , and sometimes by people who believed that I got stuck at some point as I was growing up. Both dint want an answer.

But I feel , after the most recent set of assualts by certain friends on my state of "growing up" I need to put forth my case: "I have grown up"...oh yeah..write it down world.."I have grown up"

and the reasons to support my case are,

1. The stupid Aunt 'X' feels I look different from what I was at 2 ! Its no miracle old lady...its because I grew up!

2. My dad feels I grew up too..well sometimes. At least he no longer drags me to the butcher - make it barber, when my hair touches my eyebrow.

3. Neither do I have to deal with tedious, well-meaning and often boring lectures about disciplined boys from my mother. She says, I am grown up now (..anything to save me from that!).

4. I no longer have a 50 day vacation every year.

5. I know 45 ways to scream SATAN.

6. I have had a 40 once. (and believe me..I did not disintegrate )

7. I know Vickie Lynn Marshall. (ha ha ha...Wikipedia tells me she is Anna Nicole Smith)

8. Older relatives find it okay cracking certain jokes (which were taught to be sins when I was small) with me around...or maybe I understand them now. whichever way..

9. If these were not enough to grow up...I learnt the final lesson for growing up.
" If you bump into some old woman with withdrawal symptoms, who looks at a 25 year old 6 foot tall stranger and says "BABY!!" ...run..don't turn back..just run before she tells the crowd the stories of you in a diaper."

"DIRTY DATA"

AP : Whats that in your hand?
Me : "Dirty Data".
AP : What is that?
Me : Dirty Data is all those data that does not agree with the kind I expect.
AP : I call them failed experiment.
Me : Well.. I dont. Thats like going too easy on them.
AP : Wow...but that looks cool.
Me : Yea it always looks cool in someone else's hands.
AP : You seem to have accumulated a lot of them ?
Me : Yea..I feel I am pretty good at getting reproducible dirty data. Everytime I happen to come up with new ways to get things wrong. I dont know what to do.
AP : Just turn down that creative dial and follow the damn protocol.

Ignore me guys...I am just pissed at myself.